I've been overwhelemed by the positive responses I've received lately. At the begining of this thing most folks were calling me crazy & didn't have much good to say, but maybe my insecuriteis let the few negative voices be louder than the many positive ones.
My friends have really pulled together to support me. I am humbled. Now I pray that I won't let them down & that my every action can be acting for Christ & all of humanity. I am very proud to be a Laredoan, a Texan, a citizen of the United States of America, but also a citizen of the world. We're so blessed.
By no means do I think I can save the world-- I know how little and weak that I am. But I'm thinking that maybe I can save some peoples worlds.
My leaving is hardest on the ones that I love most, and it breaks my heart to see their tears, but it is all for the best. I wish no one had to hurt, but by this we will all grow.
Keep me in your prayers.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
& all the lambs roar like lions
On a practical note-- there will be no Puerto Rico.. I should really move out of my house. Thursday bowling with work crew, Friday going away party, Saturday fake Thanksgiving with family & Sunday ranch with my sis-in-law. 12 days to take off...
Today was the last Staff meeting I'll attend for a while. Only my immediate bosses know that I'm leaving, & they might be the only ones that care. I had wanted to stand up at the end of the meeting & thank everyone & let them know I was leaving, but it would've sparked questions, & I'm scared that I'll answer & sound egotistical-- I'll make it sound like it's about me & it's not.
I guess I should've stood up & said, "God wants me in India-- I have no idea why, but I am so in love with Him & Jesus & the church right now that I'll give anything to show my love back." That really is how I feel, but I struggle with people constantly questioning me. Yea so I drink too much, can have a bad temper, & swear, and like dark dirty honkey tonks, good times & bad company, but I know that I am uniquely beloved by the creater of the entire universe.
Folks are right in some ways, I'm not good enough for it, I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I am. The thing is, nobody is good enough, & it doesn't matter. It's through his Mercy that he loves us, not because we deserve it. Actions are necessary, but I act out of love for Him, not in order to gain his love.
My job, dating, wearing nice clothes, an 'important' office, car, money-- these things were my worship & I backburner-ed Christ taking advantage of the fact that he'll always come to my aid. Now I gladly give these and more to glorify the Love he has given.
A guy I've seen said to me last night, "I just want you to get out of this Church phase & go back to being fun again." After somehow refraining from punching him in the face I thought, 'wow.. Jesus is the source of my joy. The Church is alive. What is more exciting, glorious, & fun than that??' But I said nothing. Two wrongs showed their demon glares at me in that statement.
Today was the last Staff meeting I'll attend for a while. Only my immediate bosses know that I'm leaving, & they might be the only ones that care. I had wanted to stand up at the end of the meeting & thank everyone & let them know I was leaving, but it would've sparked questions, & I'm scared that I'll answer & sound egotistical-- I'll make it sound like it's about me & it's not.
I guess I should've stood up & said, "God wants me in India-- I have no idea why, but I am so in love with Him & Jesus & the church right now that I'll give anything to show my love back." That really is how I feel, but I struggle with people constantly questioning me. Yea so I drink too much, can have a bad temper, & swear, and like dark dirty honkey tonks, good times & bad company, but I know that I am uniquely beloved by the creater of the entire universe.
Folks are right in some ways, I'm not good enough for it, I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I am. The thing is, nobody is good enough, & it doesn't matter. It's through his Mercy that he loves us, not because we deserve it. Actions are necessary, but I act out of love for Him, not in order to gain his love.
My job, dating, wearing nice clothes, an 'important' office, car, money-- these things were my worship & I backburner-ed Christ taking advantage of the fact that he'll always come to my aid. Now I gladly give these and more to glorify the Love he has given.
A guy I've seen said to me last night, "I just want you to get out of this Church phase & go back to being fun again." After somehow refraining from punching him in the face I thought, 'wow.. Jesus is the source of my joy. The Church is alive. What is more exciting, glorious, & fun than that??' But I said nothing. Two wrongs showed their demon glares at me in that statement.
- I'm obviously not being a model Catholic & need to try harder. But then I thought- shit- c'mon, cut a gal some slack! I'm giving it all to be closer-- I don't have all the answers, but I know where all the answers are & so I'm going to rest my anxious & sinning heart in the Eucharist.
- Doing things that are outrageous makes people that are comfortable uncomfortable. But "enter through the narrow gate; for the gate that is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it." Matt 7:13
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