keep on the sunny side

Yesterday I went into town & worked at the Missionaries of Charity during the day & ran some errands. Bought a couple books my English class asked for, postcards for family & a pair of closed shoes (gross long story, but it was the doctors suggestion..). Anyway, left the MC's a tad early to catch the bus back to (for once) get back to the Ashram & the kids at home on time. I stood on the corner with the women waiting for the bus. One woman next to said "Auroville?" which is a tourist town near our village. I said no & told her the name of my village. In broken English & exaggerated arm motions I asked if she would tell me when my bus arrived and she agreed-- she was catching the same one. We boarded & I asked one more person if I was on the right bus & they did the head wiggle thing that most of the time means yes (but can also mean just an acknowledgment & that they have no idea what you are saying). As I went to sit next to the woman who helped me out the 'ticket taker' ran towards me saying 'NO'. I said the name of my village & he said 'YOU OFF'. I showed him my money & he pushed me down the isle to the steps of the bus. It wasn't moving that quickly & he shoved me off the bus into the road where I stumbled a bit as the people in the bus laughed and those nearby watched. I flagged the nearest rickshaw & agreed to his first outrageous price instead of engaging in the friendly routine haggling of the price. The only way I can describe how I felt is sad. I couldn't believe how much this man didn't like me even though he didn't know me. A couple hot tears touched my cheeks & I rode home stunned. I told the male volunteer who lives next to me & I can't believe how great he was. He's from Texas & his parents raised him right. He doesn't like us girls goin places alone & especially at night. Must be like herding cats for the poor guy because all us gal's are hard headed overly independent sometimes to the point of ignorance here (this is mostly the French..). I told some of the older girls I was tutoring and they said 'Auntie they don't like white people'. I tried to focus on the positive parts of my day & went to sleep.

This morning when I went for my run I couldn't get this man out of my head, but I knew that in order to forgive him I had to love him. I wondered how many times Jesus had tried to be in my life & I spat in his face & threw him off the bus. In some way I understood the ticket taker dudes asshole-ness just like I think all of you do, and I wasn't hurt or angry anymore.

I've been sewing up all the kids backpacks. I can see my mom shining through me at moments like that. Sometimes I worry that I haven't loved my parents enough. I'll be in Mass or think of them & a pang of guilt and worry will shoot through my chest & I'll just want to tell them I love them & hug them right then.

Okay, sleep time..

you got to heal faster than this 'ol world can hurt you

I went to town today to see the Doctor for some skin problems & another for my stomach (India is tuff on my body..) Tummy guy wasn't there today, so I went to a French bakery for some coffee & a sweet with two hours to kill. Had a great conversation with a sharp young lad who appealed to my intellect & a few other senses. Told him where I stay & what we do here, he said he'd like to stop by sometime & check it out. Something like 'oh Father, you'll love it' came out of my mouth. He just laughed & said I need to talk to some men who aren't men priests from time to time. Hope that means he was volunteering for the position ;)
Got to the doc, sat in the waiting room with Father-- who I met in town & had to see the same guy bout a thing on his foot. He'd just come from a Moslem family that he knows nearby who just lost a son to Leukemia. They're very poor & the congregation my priest belongs to had paid for his treatments. Their daughter had polio as a child & is crippled. Then he told me about Paris and St. Catherine. An Indian woman next to him saw him & started speaking French to him. She brought in her daughter and granddaughter from outside and asked him to bless them to which he obliged. We went into a smaller waiting room & he went in first then left. I was next. The doctor was a really nice guy. We talked for a bit about things I don't really remember but I know I was happy talking to him. I called him Father too, he laughed & said he had three daughters older than me, so I wasn't completely wrong in my statement. I got my medicine at a pharmacy & haggled with a rickshaw driver for a ride home.
I'm teaching English to a group of men who are studying to be Priests here at the Ashram I live at. I gave them an essay assignment with prompts all about the caste system. It's something that really intrigues me. One man was shocked that the west didn't have a caste system. He asked how we can accomplish anything. I've researched the subject a lot, but I'm eager to see what will be in their essays. I will keep you posted.

today I killed a bug & didn't even flinch that upon arrival would've made me scream :)

Things here have gotten a lot easier since two months ago. Some days are really hard, but life with the kids has gotten more routine. I had an apartment in the same lot or fenced area (ashram) here where the kids & about 40 other people live, but I lived above a ward of hiv positive women in which the disease had really progressed.. some days it sounded like living in a mental ward.. apparently the virus attacks the brain in a lot of people. Also women who are already mentally handicapped are more vulnerable to being raped. There is one woman who cannot speak, she just kinda grunts or growls who is 7 months pregnant. This passed Sunday I moved into a room downstairs at the house that the kids live in & I'm much happier here. Less time to myself (at this point I didn't know that was possible!) but it's better. No need for an alarm clock, that is for sure! On my moving day the kids also found a 2 week old kitten that I've been volunteered into caring for who has an internal feeding clock that has gone off at 4AM for the passed 3 days (which is why I'm up writing now :)  ). 


I've been going to the Sister's of Mother Teresa in town (Missionaries of Charity) to volunteer while our kids are away at school & it's really beautiful. The kids are severely disabled & the first time I went I practically ran out of there & that night cried myself to sleep. I was angry with God & couldn't understand how that could happen and people could exist in such a state, but I can't explain it now, but there's a joy in holding some of the kids now & just visiting them. I don't think Mary understood completely what was going on at the annunciation or at the crucifixion, but instead of trying to tackle something with her intelligence I think she just loved. I don't know why these children suffer so much, but all I can do is love them and hold a child that otherwise would not have been held that day. A friend of mine here from Pennsylvania said that that's what we must be like in the arms of Jesus. We're so small and helpless and troubled, and He just wants to love us with his whole heart to the point of giving us his body and dying on a cross. That is some intense love. 


It's unfathomable to me to not have parents or a family. There are so many orphans here- I guess there are a lot back home too, but back home I don't think I know I wouldn't have stopped my life & made time to get out of myself to be with them. Sometimes its hard not having hot water, the bugs & snakes, hand washing clothes, unfamiliar food everything, but at the end of this I get to go home to a beautiful loving family & all of my friends who support me so much. These children won't be home until heaven. 


At the Missionaries of Charity it's hard to keep myself from crying sometimes when I'm looking at a child. There is one little girl there named Kit (there are a few more syllables after that, but that's all I can pronounce & I like it because when I hold her we're Kit-Cat :) ). She's 8 years old and the size of a toddler. She must only weight 40 pounds or so. I don't know exactly what's wrong with her, but she cries in such agony most of the time and cannot speak. She jerks around a little when being handled, but once she is set in your arms she seems at peace. I tell her about my day, sing her songs, ask her questions and answer them myself etc. I imagine what she will be like in heaven when God raises her in all his Glory. We will have our bodies in heaven (St. Tomas Aquinas) but our bodies the way they were meant to be -before original sin. Even the disciples didn't recognize Jesus after the resurrection, can you imagine how different we will be? Anyway, I know Kit is going to be even more beautiful, and I imagine she'll walk up to me and tell me that sometimes she sure wished that I would've just been quiet & just held her! 
Oh, St. Francis help me with Tex! (our kitten) I sneezed & woke her up & now she's blaring off again.. I'll write again soon. 

Strong women :)

My best friends are some of the most stubborn, hard headed, ain't got an awkward bone in their bodies, never met a stranger, beautiful women anyone could find. My momma is the same & their momma's are, too. I admit my deepest fears, insecurities & wounds to them. They've always got the right words-- because they've gone through some things to make them so strong & sweet.

Sometimes when I talk to people back home they say, "Oh, you've only been gone ***..." But when everything is foreign & everything is a battle it doesn't seem like "only". Some days have 72 hours or more. It's like, 'Oh, you've only had your head underwater for two minutes??' My friends get that it's hard sometimes, but they also know me better than anyone, so when they say I can make it, I believe them. 

But the men in my life right now are driving me mad.. & that's usually one of my favorite parts! I just gotta hold fast to Jesus, my big brother, & pop. Hopefully them three can run off the rest & give me strength & patience to handle the ones I have to deal with.

(Hey Michelle, remember that time I was supposed to take Corry Morrow out, but forgot & bolted, went home & went to sleep instead after the concert?? lol)