& all the lambs roar like lions

On a practical note-- there will be no Puerto Rico.. I should really move out of my house. Thursday bowling with work crew, Friday going away party, Saturday fake Thanksgiving with family & Sunday ranch with my sis-in-law. 12 days to take off...

Today was the last Staff meeting I'll attend for a while. Only my immediate bosses know that I'm leaving, & they might be the only ones that care. I had wanted to stand up at the end of the meeting & thank everyone & let them know I was leaving, but it would've sparked questions, & I'm scared that I'll answer & sound egotistical-- I'll make it sound like it's about me & it's not.

I guess I should've stood up & said, "God wants me in India-- I have no idea why, but I am so in love with Him & Jesus & the church right now that I'll give anything to show my love back." That really is how I feel, but I struggle with people constantly questioning me. Yea so I drink too much, can have a bad temper, &  swear, and like dark dirty honkey tonks, good times & bad company, but I know that I am uniquely beloved by the creater of the entire universe.

Folks are right in some ways, I'm not good enough for it, I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I am. The thing is, nobody is good enough, & it doesn't matter. It's through his Mercy that he loves us, not because we deserve it. Actions are necessary, but I act out of love for Him, not in order to gain his love.

My job, dating, wearing nice clothes, an 'important' office, car, money-- these things were my worship & I backburner-ed Christ taking advantage of the fact that he'll always come to my aid. Now I gladly give these and more to glorify the Love he has given.

A guy I've seen said to me last night, "I just want you to get out of this Church phase & go back to being fun again." After somehow refraining from punching him in the face I thought, 'wow.. Jesus is the source of my joy. The Church is alive. What is more exciting, glorious, & fun than that??' But I said nothing. Two wrongs showed their demon glares at me in that statement.

1. I'm obviously not being a model Catholic & need to try harder. But then I thought- shit- c'mon, cut a gal some slack! I'm giving it all to be closer-- I don't have all the answers, but I know where all the answers are & so I'm going to rest my anxious & sinning heart in the Eucharist.
2. Doing things that are outrageous makes people that are comfortable uncomfortable. But "enter through the narrow gate; for the gate that is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it." Matt 7:13

Friday is my last day at work-- I'll have one week off before I leave. Pray for me!